Dear Dr. Scott,
I've heard about walk-away wives, and I understand where they are coming from. I wish you could bring my husband to the relationship table. I have tried to get him to seek help numerous times during our fourteen-year marriage through classes, counseling and books. I've begged. At this point, he won't even talk about anything that we don't agree on. Basically, we don't talk.

You cited the article "Does Divorce Make You Happy," by Linda Waite, in your research. I am familiar with the article as I read it on the Smart Marriages website. What you have not considered is how an impaired marriage affects the children that are watching. My nine-year-old son has behavioral problems and my husband refuses to even consider seeking professional help. My son is becoming a carbon copy of him. My teenage daughter is overweight and I'm not sure how much is emotional eating. I have no family where I live for support. My children and I are suffering because my husband is unwilling to make the effort. If this marriage ends in divorce, it will be the natural consequence of the husband's actions.

Sherri

Dear Sherri,
I recognize that you express much pain and frustration in your current situation; I have spoken to many other people in a similar bind.

One of the reasons men avoid therapy is because of the prevailing notion of therapists that men have bad relationship skills and destroy the marriage. Naturally, most men find this hard to swallow. Also, therapists ask men to use "talk" to solve problems, which is unnatural to many of them, and an area in which they further feel incompetent compared to their wives.

It feels to you like your husband is not meeting your needs. Needs are a funny thing...we have hundreds of them, and for the most part, they are met. Food, shelter, health, safety...a tank full of gas. But in my experience, the few needs that aren't shared equally draw people's attention and strain marriages. Even couples who say they don't agree on anything, when forced to look at the situation, can see many commonalities: their children should get an education, avoid drugs, get a religious education, be respectful to their teachers, etc. Ultimately, we would all like to have the ideal spouse and ideal parent for our children, and most of us choose a person because we like his or her qualities. Unless your husband suffered from some brain injury that changed who he is (or is abusing substances), he more than likely continues to have the same qualities he exhibited before you married him. But you are noticing them less because of the areas of discord.

Ultimately, you focus on the areas of disagreement. But I don't believe that ending a marriage solves the kinds of problems you describe. Your husband may be unwilling to make efforts in ways that you deem important, but odds are he tries in other ways to sustain and maintain the family. Odds are, also, that he doesn't get enough recognition from you about these efforts (and vice versa, no doubt, but since you asked, and he didn't, I'll address you). Shifting the attention on what your partner contributes to the family is a healthful alternative to the natural inclination to fault-find .

Also, statistically speaking, ending the marriage won't help you solve the problems that you have now. If your daughter has emotional eating, will a divorce make her feel more safe and secure? If your husband objects to psychological help for your lad, will he not object once you split? I know that if my wife would want my kid to get therapy, she would find some way to get me on board with it. She might try to get the pediatrician or the school to influence me, or get my parents to express concerns to me. Failing that, she would at least extract a concession from me that she should go ahead and do it without my agreement.

It takes a lot of work, but finding a way to solve problems within a marriage is one of the strongest messages you can give your children. I recognize its even tougher without support; it also gets complicated if you have a therapist who believes your own sense of "happiness" is more important than keeping marriage together. Because, from what I've seen in marriages, the couples that work through these issues end up with stronger marriages and a level of happiness beyond anything they could have imagined on the day they took their wedding vows.

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